It's about to be almost 5 months.
This past week has been tough, thoughts about you and us have been popping up here and there... while im driving and saw something... when im at a certain place and im reminded about something...
even thinking about airports makes me think about you...
I told myself by 7 March 2017 I would have gotten myself straighten out. I will be strong enough to let all of this go. I want to be confident about this that by that time, I can leave it all behind. I still have 7-8 more months.
Right now, at this point, I think I've moved on, sort of, but at the same time, you are still there. somewhere. everywhere sometimes.
Some days I dont know where it comes from, but the tears will fall and I have this urge to just pick up the phone and call you. But I don't, because what will it mean? what good does it do? Maybe you are fine now, maybe you won't want me to bother you and hearing from me will stir up things again. Because no matter how much I wish to text you or call you, at the end of the day, I am here and you are there, everything remains... distanced, far, how it is. I wish we can change our reality.
I dreamt about you last night. We were lying down next to each other, and you were making me laugh. I miss your smell, your smile and you being there for me. I feel fine when Im around other people, Im not distracted by you but every night when the lights are out and Im under my blanket in bed, I know I can't lie and fool anyone but myself because Im alone in the darkness and I'll think about you. Some nights I leave a space next to me because you used to lie there with me on my bed. I can't sleep sometimes because of our memories just on my bed.. when you used to stay over or hug me when im sleeping...
Sometimes I think, if you really found a new happiness, I will feel sad but also so happy for you because maybe then I can really let you go and you will be happy with someone new.
But I know I broke my own heart, I disappointed you and let us down.
Do you know how much I miss you.